It occurs to me that, finding myself a quarter of a century old, it's probably time to accept the fact that I'm supposed to be a grown up.

To that realization, I reply: "Neener, neener, neener! I'm not listening!"

Tonight, I've dyed my hair blue. And I don't care if my job is unhappy with this development. I'm just really tired of having to make sure everyone else is happy before I do anything. So my hair doesn't look "professional". Big whoop. I have to wear a hat throughout the entire workday, anyhow, and if that doesn't cover all of it, I'll toss on a bandana under it, but I've been dying to dye my hair for a full year, but haven't because of work or because my family doesn't like it or for any other number of reasons that have nothing to do with what I want. Fuck that.

The title of this post comes from a country song by the same title. The chorus:

"She was daddy's little girl,
Mommy's little angel,
Teacher's pet,
Pageant queen,
All her life, she's been living,
Someone else's dream."

Granted, this song is about a girl, but it still struck me. At what point am I going to stop believing that my life ought to please someone else? Or, as it usually turns out, everyone else?

If I lose this job over this (I won't, but if I do), then I'll get another one. But I'm not going to be afraid of this sort of thing anymore. Shit happens. If they don't like it, I don't care. Keena says I can write blogs for her brother (paid, how cool is that?), or there's a place at campus looking for envelope stuffers, paid per piece. Marc's is offering to take me back, and there are plenty of other places that just don't give a damn.

I think it's about time for people to start admitting that the definition of "professional" is expanding. Businessmen are tattooed, lawyers have eyebrow rings, doctors don't comb their hair. Professional isn't all neatly groomed and clean-cut. Professional is becoming an attitude, which is what it should be. If I show up to work and I'm nice to people and do my work, then what difference does it make what color my hair is? The answer ought to be "none." And if it's not... Oops. No biggie. I have options.

Life's too short for all this unneeded stress brought on by "what ifs" and "buts". I just want to be me for a while, and I don't think that's too much to ask.

So many, many apologies. With school and work and homework, I haven't been able to update at all. If I get enough homework done at work and/or finish early enough tonight, then I'll pop on and post a quick update. In the meantime, I have to get ready for work.

....so I'll make this short.

I have today, tomorrow, and Friday to finish the first draft of the book. I will finish. I'm almost there now. The twins are at the fortress of doom, Ash just got past the dragon and is about to go inside... things are moving along.

The closer I get to finishing it, though, the more I worry about the next draft and the rewriting and the rejection. I don't honestly think that I'm afraid of rejection, you know? I mean, everyone says that rejection is why a lot of writers don't ever submit their stuff, but I've spent most of my life with people telling me that my stuff isn't good enough, that I wasn't good enough... in both art and life. So it's not like rejection is something new to me. I don't even mind it much anymore. If someone tells me that my writing is sub-par, then I either rewrite or get a second opinion. A lot of people like my writing, a lot of people don't. That's just the way it is.

I'm worried more about what happens next. I mean, this book has been floating in my head since I was 15 years old, and it's not like there aren't more in there, but I'm wondering whether or not they'll be as easily accessed as this one was (I still don't have a title, which is a little bit of a problem that I'm hoping to work out the second time through).

And then there's work and school and financial aid and my monthly chat sessions, not to mention the other responsibilities I keep picking up along the way (the drawings for STAR, door prizes, finding a new apartment, etc). My dad's favorite saying when he talked to me about everything that's going on has always been that I'm "burning the candle at both ends". And I know that's bad and that I ought to be taking it easy and maybe not taking on so much all at once, but I can't help it. This is who I am and who I've always been and I'm not sure that I can stop until I'm totally burned out. I don't want to be burned out, but I think that's what it may take for me to slow it down a bit.

Ugh. Oh well.

Quick update on everything else:

~Got the job at Giant Eagle (for those who don't live in Ohio it's a grocery store). Have orientation tomorrow, start training on Monday.
~Got a little bit of free money for school--not as much as I was hoping for, but enough that I only have to accept one of the 3 loans offered to me to pay off school for the fall.
~I've got two drawings almost done. Gotta redo the hand on the first one, then try and take a photo of my feet in the position the girl I'm drawing is in (have I mentioned recently how much I hate drawing girls?). I'm also going to be doing the rabid vampire zombie duck picture, which I haven't even started, but I've got the basic idea for in my head. Keena asked me if I could do a pair of flip-flops for Terry's book, and I told her that was do-able, so I'll be trying to do that. I'm still not trying to do anything for Chris or Eric's book because I have no idea what they're about. I might do an illustration of Marigold (Ash and Linden's mother) in full-out faerie form, just so I can stir up a little interest in my book while I'm there.
~Got pepper-sprayed in the face on Sunday night by a couple of teens on bikes that were riding down the road... holy shit does that stuff hurt. I need to get out of this neighborhood. I'm trying to move back to the Falls when my lease is up (or maybe beforehand depending on how the next few weeks go).
~Renewed my license today. Freaking Ohio switched their licenses over and now they're pink. Seriously pink. It's demented.